“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy