me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
😩😩😩
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.