@aneesa_p

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

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@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@robwalton30

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@fro_vo

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@GrowlyGrego

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

@ixSEANxi

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza