Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.


I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.


“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”


Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”


if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver


*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™


COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.


Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza