@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

- @dumbbeezie

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@bridger_w

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@animadvertguy

[Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

@prettysadmostly

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

@DomBorrett

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely