@dumbbeezie: Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading] WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle
@prufrockluvsong: I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. Or that. That's not looking good either.
@economybacon: Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse "You mean Centaur, right?" Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
@karencreets: I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone