Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
If we eliminated, “Is your car running ok?” from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.