@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

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@huntigula

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

@awordforaword

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

@alovablenerd

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

@Jake_Vig

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@omgthatspunny

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.