Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s


Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*


I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…


If we eliminated, “Is your car running ok?” from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.


[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract


If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.


her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki


JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?


Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.