Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

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wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*


“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions


To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.


therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t



me: what if everyone else is underthinking


Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.


Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.


[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.


Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*


I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.