Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
This one’s “Alex”.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
New menu item
Never let them know your next move 😂
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit