Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

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RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys


Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time


I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.


Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar


When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.


Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.


“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*


[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me


Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”