If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: I slay werewolves for a living.
Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!
Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”