Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit

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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.


Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”


just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit


I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.


Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey


Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?


when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves


Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.