@stayfrea_

Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit

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@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@Ty_Schutz

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

@TheHyyyype

just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit

@prufrockluvsong

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

@Mr_Kapowski

Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey

@YourMomsucksTho

Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?

@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

@OFalafel

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.