@stayfrea_

Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit

You Might Also Like

@serialmatrix

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@Alex_Houseof308

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

@HansGrubertron

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@LetMeStart

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@StephanieOKC

Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”