Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
the prophecy has been fulfilled
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky