Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
What?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
dude it’s called proctologist
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.