“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.