“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”