Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.