I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.