Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on