Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.