Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Fight
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*