Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?



i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan


Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.


[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees


-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”


Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?


Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.


Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman


As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks