Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.