@AristotlesNZ

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.

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@SonOfCha

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

@astutenewf

Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@murrman5

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

@BiIIMurray

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.

@j0eg0d

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.