I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Perfect
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.