Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.
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Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.