your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
whatcha thinkin bout
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.