Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.