@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated

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@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@justokdane

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.