Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Well, that should do it
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?