Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

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When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now


Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh


[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign


I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”


Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.


When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.