@MindBlowing
Soul mates theory
@DzNutz83
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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@MindBlowing
@turtledumplin
When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.
-me, right now
@NrouteHQ
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
@iwearaonesie
[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
@HysteriaBarbie
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
@andlikelaura
i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
@bacon_gillepic
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
@SexyInsomniac
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
@JessObsess
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
@E_lok44
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.