@realHamOnWry: Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us that it's okay to eat before going to bed.

@UNTRESOR: 8 hrs sleep: So refreshed 6 hrs: Feeling fine 4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression 2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

@FeelingEuphoric: ME: we need to talk BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking— ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

@mattsurely: If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

@sanjanaa: *catwoman struggles into suit* *catwoman realises she needs to pee* *crie*