Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes