KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
i hav cat-like reflexes
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My favorite female superhero
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time