@PaperWash

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

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@dafloydsta

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

@CarolinaSong

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

@jonnysun

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

@Sean_Burgundy_

I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@JJSummertime

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time