Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time