Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
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[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds