@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

- @lawyerthoughts

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@AJslackie2

*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@Playing_Dad

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

@Thedudish

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

@

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@Smooheed

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.