Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.