your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?