Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

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If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.


God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no


New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.


I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what


Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne


Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday


Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.


Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.


Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?


– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)