People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.