Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.


robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?


Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name


Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
From karate?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*


Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please


Me: Did you use my highlighter?





2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.


“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”



Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.