@Darlainky

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

You Might Also Like

@brianbowman73

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@panmidwest

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

@ch000ch

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.