If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.
I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.