@Darlainky

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

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@tastefactory

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

@murrman5

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

@zachreinert03

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

@palokin

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

@Ideal_Victoria

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@3dog101

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@trevso_electric

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.