Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
BaD BoY!!
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Actually cracking up @ this
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up