-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.