The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.