[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
BRAKING NEWS!!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.