Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?