Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.


I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.


I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium


Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog


If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.


Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.


A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.


Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that


me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense