@SkinnieTalls

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@krissywillbretz

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

@C_A_Guardiola

Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.

@dlsims01

Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@Average_Dad1

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

@Angrytrashman

I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.