Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.


[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.


Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.


Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.


Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile


[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?


I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.