Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.