FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
2 years later
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.