Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Don’t we all.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*