Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.