Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
What a website
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”