Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Monday
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?