‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank