Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me too 😆
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.