Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.