Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
This came to me in a dream.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.