Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.


I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head


I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it


Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety


#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.


Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.


Who the hell came up with ‘prolly’ for probably?


Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*


God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.


Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door