@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@JaimeSamantha

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

@TommyWallace

[Dad jokes anonymous]

“…and I’m clean 30 days”

Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD

“DAMN IT, JERRY!”

@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@awkwardphilippe

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@robfee

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana