Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that


tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”


My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband


Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?




Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?


I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.


Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.