Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.