I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[Dad jokes anonymous]
“…and I’m clean 30 days”
Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD
“DAMN IT, JERRY!”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana