@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@tombrodude

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

@colleen_eileen

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.