Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.


My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…


[Dad jokes anonymous]

“…and I’m clean 30 days”

Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD



Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.


[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.


[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what


Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana