Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Siri, what’s depression?
Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.
Who the hell came up with ‘prolly’ for probably?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door