@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

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@Quartzjixler

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

@dafloydsta

Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.

@bggas400

Who the hell came up with ‘prolly’ for probably?

@LlamaInaTux

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@pilau

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door