Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.


Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.


ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?


[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.


[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?


Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.