Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father