@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

@better_off_dad

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

@nutsaremixed

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@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@aaronfredericks

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

@FilthyRichmond

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁