@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

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@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@NotZaphod

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@AGStr8upNinja

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

@mom_tho

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

@SweetTweetsBRO

I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?