All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?