Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.