@KateWhineHall

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

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@ArfMeasures

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

@queerly_it_is

keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.

@ErrenMichaels

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

@Browtweaten

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

@Gen22

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

@Shen_the_Bird

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.