SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.
Some even like getting pead on.
Don’t turnip your nose at this.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
So basically life is cancelled
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”