To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs.
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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Who called it baking and not making love
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.