Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.