“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You Might Also Like
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
LMAO
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*